How to Handle Grief

Last month, I shared my favorite definition of grief on Instagram.

It read, “Grief is love that has nowhere to go.” 

The response was alarming. I got more comments and engagement than anything I’ve put out in a long time, which tells me that so many of us are in the middle of grief right now.

That’s why I want to share a few thoughts that may be helpful for those of you grieving right now.

When I say “grief”, I’m not only talking about the physical death of a loved one, although that is certainly a big part of grief. I’m talking about any area where you’ve experienced irreplaceable loss.

This could be . . .

• Grieving a business you were forced to shut down.

• Grieving an idyllic childhood that you’ll never get back.

• Grieving the end of a marriage or important relationship.

• Grieving the parent you wish you had that’s never going to arrive.

In many ways, life is one long process of learning to grieve its many inevitable losses.

Grief is like this emotional and physical sludge that says, “Slow down. Things are going to change. It's not going to be the same anymore.” And we don’t like that. Especially here in America, we don’t like to slow down. We like to push through, pull ourselves up, and charge ahead.

That’s why I want to invite you somewhere else.

I want to invite you to Grief Island.

Have you ever traveled to a different country?

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but different countries have different rules. In some countries, you drive on the left side of the road instead of the right side of the road. In some cultures, you’re only supposed to eat with a certain hand. When you travel to a different place, it’s important to respect the cultural norms. 

When you’re dealing with grief, I want you to imagine you’re on Grief Island.

Grief Island has different cultural norms than we do here in the States. Grief Island is foggy, so everyone tends to move at a slower pace. Everything feels a bit heavier, as if gravity is stronger there. And it’s normal to be pensive, to reflect on the past instead of charging into the future.

My point is this.

The sooner you relieve yourself of the expectation that life should go on like normal, the better off you’ll be.

Here are three lessons about grief.

1. You don’t go around it. You go through it.

Doing the work is the shortcut. If you don’t do the work, grief will continue to slow you down in unsuspecting ways. When you do the hard work, life becomes more manageable, faster.

2. You don’t get over it. You live with it

When you first encounter grief, it feels like a suitcase full of bricks. As you do the work to process your grief, the bag gets smaller. Eventually, it turns into a duffle bag then a backpack, and then a fanny pack. I don’t believe it ever goes away, but it will get lighter.

3. Your process it how you process it.

Grief looks different for everyone. Don’t pressure yourself to look or feel a certain way when you’re grieving. Some people feel angry. Some people feel unemotional. Some people want to stay still. Some people want to make memorials. Process it how you process it.

Here’s the last thing I’ll say.

It’s okay to pendulum swing in grief. After a loss, many people wonder, “Is it okay to do things that are fun when I should be grieving? Can I still go on that beach trip? Can I still go to that football game?”

The answer is yes. I encourage you to let yourself pendulum swing through the highs and lows of life. When the sadness comes, embrace it. When joy presents itself, embrace it. 

You have permission to experience the fullness of life, even when in grief.

Thanks for reading,

Mike Foster