5 Tips to Break Free From Codependency

As a recovering codependent myself, I know firsthand how destructive this pattern can be. 

It's taken a lot of work, therapy, and a commitment to the Twelve Steps to break free from the cycle of codependency in my life, but the freedom and happiness on the other side are so worth it.

What exactly is codependency?

In a nutshell, it's the chronic neglect of yourself in order to gain love, validation, or self-identity through another person. 

Codependency often originates in our family of origin, where we learn to orient our lives around someone else's emotional state or problems. Maybe you had a depressed parent, and everything revolved around making sure they were okay. Or perhaps you had a sibling with a drug addiction, and the whole family system bent to accommodate their needs. These early experiences teach us to abandon ourselves in order to serve others, and that pattern can follow us into adulthood.

Codependency can show up in a lot of different ways.

Here are a few common signs:

• Losing your sense of self in relationships

• Loving others with an agenda, hoping they will want you in return

• Loving from a place of woundedness rather than wholeness

• Owning someone else's problems more than they do

• Bending the truth to make others comfortable

If any of these sound familiar, you're not alone. 

So many of us struggle with codependency, and it can lead to a lot of suffering and self-abandonment. When we're constantly trying to manage other people's emotions and problems, we lose sight of our own needs and desires. We start to believe that our value lies in how well we can serve others, rather than in who we are as individuals.

Here's the good news:

Codependency is a learned behavior.

That means it can be unlearned. With time, patience, and a commitment to your own healing, you can break free from the cycle of codependency and reclaim your identity and happiness. 

Here are five tips to get you started:

1. Prioritize self-discovery and self-care

When you've spent years neglecting your own needs, it can be hard to even know what those needs are. That's why self-discovery is such an important part of healing from codependency. Take time to explore your own needs. Take this quiz to identify your Apex Emotional Need. Practice regular self-care activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit. You cannot pour from an empty cup, so prioritize your well-being as you care for others.

2. Set and maintain healthy boundaries

Boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships, but they can be especially challenging for codependents. Start by learning to say "no" when something is outside of your boundary, and stick to your guns. Communicate clearly and kindly, and remember that boundaries are a form of self-love and respect. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but setting boundaries gets easier with practice.

3. Practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness

Healing from codependency is a journey, and it's important to be kind to yourself along the way. Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding you'd offer a good friend. Acknowledge that codependency is a learned behavior, and it takes time to unlearn. Celebrate your progress and forgive your setbacks. Remember that you are worthy of love and respect, just as you are.

4. Communicate the truth with kindness

One of the hallmarks of codependency is bending the truth to make others comfortable. It's never wrong to express your needs, frustrations, or boundaries – as long as you do it with kindness. Practice communicating the truth in a gentle but assertive way. Trust that being authentic will attract healthier relationships and opportunities into your life.

5. Own your problems, not someone else's

As codependents, we often take on other people's problems as our own. We care more about fixing their issues than they do! But this only leads to resentment and burnout. Practice letting others own their own problems and consequences. Offer support and encouragement, but don't do the work for them. Remember that everyone is on their own journey, and it's not your job to save them.

Here's my challenge for you this week:

Identify one area of your life where codependency might be holding you back. 

Maybe it's a relationship where you're constantly putting the other person's needs before your own. Maybe it's a pattern of overcommitting yourself to avoid disappointing others. Whatever it is, choose one tip from the list above to focus on, and take one small action step towards breaking free from codependency.

Remember, healing from codependency is a process, not an overnight fix.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you learn to prioritize your own needs and boundaries. Surround yourself with people who support your growth and cheer you on along the way. And most importantly, never forget that you are worthy of love, respect, and happiness – just as you are.

Keep growing, my friend. You've got this!

Thanks for reading,

Mike Foster