How to Grow in Love (Using the Primal Questions)

I’ve been working with a couple for several months (we’ll call them John and Sarah).

When they first came to me, John was done with the marriage. He was at his wit's end. And honestly, Sarah probably wanted him to go. That’s how toxic and broken this thing was.

How do we get here?

Nobody expects to end up in a boxing match of a marriage. Nobody stands at the altar on their wedding day vowing to engage in constant conflict. But for so many of us, the honeymoon fades into something that looks a lot more like a Rocky movie than our favorite rom-com.

If this sounds like your relationship, I want you to know you’re not alone.

And whether you’re married, engaged, or dating, I have some news for you…

You Might Not Be in a Relationship With Your Partner

Like John and Sarah and so many other couples, you might be in a relationship with each other’s trauma and triggers instead of one another. 

The good news is, it can get better.

I had a Zoom call with John and Sarah a couple of weeks ago and I hardly recognized them. We weren’t even in the same room, but I could sense that something had shifted. Don’t get me wrong, they still had work to do, but it was like they were love birds again.

What changed? 

Through our work together, we were able to turn up the lights to see what was really going on inside them. Using their Primal Questions, they were finally able to see through the matrix and discover the truth. They were primarily interacting with each other's Scramble and not the individual themselves.

This recognition accomplishes two things.

First, when you realize you’re having a relationship with their trauma, it’s easier to find compassion. You realize your spouse is not the enemy. In a lot of ways, they’re still that hurting kid.

Second, it makes the conflict less personal. Your spouse’s most frequent complaint towards you reveals their greatest emotional need, not your greatest flaw. When you realize this, you can focus on the real issue at hand, instead of playing the blame game.

3 Steps to Grow in Love

Here are the simple steps I prescribe to every couple who comes to me for counseling.

1. Get Clear on Each Other’s Primal Question

If you’re new to my work, the Primal Question represents your Apex Emotional Need. It’s the core driver of 99% of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You need to know your most important need and the most important need of your significant other.

2. Identify How You Answer Each Other’s Question With a “No”

This is the source of almost all relational conflict. When your partner answers your Primal Question with a “no” they are denying you the most important emotional need in your life. This sends you into your Scramble, which causes a snowball of conflict. Write down 2 ways you each answer each other’s question with “no”.

3. Communicate Specific Ways to Answer Each Other’s Question With a “Yes”

Finally, you need to know how to reverse the trend. Identify two ways your partner can answer your question with a yes, and have them tell you two ways you can answer their question with a yes. Be as specific as possible. Then, try to answer their question with a yes as often as you can.

This might sound overly simplistic, but trust me.

I have counseled hundreds of couples. If you can consistently meet each other’s Apex Emotional Need, you will be well on your way to a rich relationship.

Thanks for reading,

Mike Foster